Writer(s): Patrick Robert Young
Starring: Rusty Joiner, Lucy Loken, Laura Bilgeri, and Jana Lee Hamblin
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| aka Dad Crush |
Well it's never really a good sign when a movie is available on different streaming platforms under different titles; it's also never a good sign when you see the Marvista logo the moment it starts up. That's two knocks for Dad Crush (on hoopla; My Teacher, My Obsession on Netflix) before the movie itself even starts.
The plot is standard fare for this kind of “thriller”: Chris (played by Rusty Joiner) is a father who uproots his daughter, Riley (Laura Bilgeri) and moves her to an unfamiliar town, where she must start all over again. He is a high-school English teacher, while his daughter, of course, happens to be in high school. Desperate for friends, she takes an immediate liking to Kyla, the mysterious camera-toting student who's always taking photos for the school yearbook, despite never once associating with anyone on the yearbook staff.
Kyla takes an immediate liking to Chris, of course herself a victim of daddy issues, and wants to make him her own—an idea that becomes even easier when it turns out he's secretly dating her mom. I won't get into the possible physics of that attraction, because it defies all logic, but then again, who watches these movies for realism? Anyway, Kyla won't let anyone get in her way, including her own mom and “best friend”, so she sets into motion a series of psychopathic lies and stunts destined to make Chris fall in love with her...well, in her own delusional mind, at least. It's not long before her "elaborate" facade starts unraveling around her, and the truth will be revealed at last.
If you're watching Dad Crush in the way I imagine most people watch Marvista movies, this one is rife with the kinds of scenes and illogic that you came for. Like the scene where the unpopular Riley throws herself an eighteenth birthday party at her own house, one that's somehow filled with dozens upon dozens of kids despite her rarely associating with anyone else but Kyla, who she reveals during a fight (in front of everyone, of course) is her “only friend”. It must be tough being a loner with a hundred kids willing to go to your birthday party. Also, never mind the fact that Chris, a teacher in case you needed reminding, is home during all of it, which I'm guessing would be just a mild conflict of interest to have half the school on your property for a non-school related function. Also never mind the fact that Chris and Riley are in the same class to begin with, something I'm guessing also would never happen.
Or how about the hilarious sequence where Kyla sets her mom up to think Chris is cheating on her with a student, via a series of texts from a stolen cell phone. Angry (and, of course, not listening to his pleas at all despite no other evidence pointing to such a thing), she throws him out, at which point he dejectedly sits out in his truck—in front of their house—where Kyla goes out to “comfort” him by climbing on top of him and forcing her lips onto his, while he “fights back” by simply saying “no” over and over again. Wait, what? So a beefcake high school teacher dumped by a student's mom for supposedly having an illicit relationship with another student would just let the mom's daughter climb on top of him right in front of their house, despite clearly having enough upper body strength to throw her into the next town, if he wanted to? In perhaps the most surprising turn in any low-grade thriller ever, the mom doesn't even see it happen, but if I'm a framed guy trying to prove I don't fuck my students, I'm probably going to have a little more resolve in me than that.
There are many more nuances not worth delving into, like the popular school slut trying to “battle” Kyla for the teacher's “affection”, but we all know how that's going to play out. Also not worth mentioning is the cliffhanger finale, which anyone even semi-familiar with these movies is going to see coming a mile away.
There is one small plus in this whole mess: Credit must be given to the casting department, at least somewhat, because the two leads are what they should be: attractive. While having the teacher be a musclebound freak was a little overboard for me (I don't recall ever seeing a muscle-laden teacher in all my schooling years, save for maybe PE class), Rusty Joiner at least looks like someone his age should look: all too often in these movies, the dad character seems to look the same age as the daughter. Meanwhile, Lucy Loken as the obsessive, flirty high school student is one of the most attractive female leads in any low-rent thriller I've ever seen: it's at least believable, then, when he falls under her spell...well, from a physical standpoint anyway. (And she looks nothing like she does in the movie's poster, which slathers on the makeup and Photoshop effects to a disgusting degree despite her natural beauty.)
The casting lost me a bit with the choice of Kyla's mom--one of those "no way this relationship would ever happen" mismatches that seem obligatory in these movies--but you can't win them all. Other than looks, the cast largely seems capable of acting, but unfortunately aren't required to do much of that at all, while what little talent they do display is overshadowed by the poor lines they're required to deliver, and the baffling actions their characters are required to make.
In summation, if you watch these movies the way we do—to laugh at all the illogical character actions, stilted dialogue, pointless characters, and over-the-top hijinx—you're going to find a lot here to “like”. It's one of those movies that's so bad you swear the cast and crew had to somehow be in on it; the kind of movie that seems impossible to make with any amount of genuine sincerity; the kind of movie where you just wait for that subtle nod that everyone involves understands how atrocious it all is and that they're just in it for the paycheck. As layers upon layers of improbability somehow align; as you sit and stare in shocked disbelief that anyone can take this with any shred of seriousness; as you pray to the gods for a sign that a studio full of grown men are in on the joke that they've made...that's when the end credits start to roll.
In summation, if you watch these movies the way we do—to laugh at all the illogical character actions, stilted dialogue, pointless characters, and over-the-top hijinx—you're going to find a lot here to “like”. It's one of those movies that's so bad you swear the cast and crew had to somehow be in on it; the kind of movie that seems impossible to make with any amount of genuine sincerity; the kind of movie where you just wait for that subtle nod that everyone involves understands how atrocious it all is and that they're just in it for the paycheck. As layers upon layers of improbability somehow align; as you sit and stare in shocked disbelief that anyone can take this with any shred of seriousness; as you pray to the gods for a sign that a studio full of grown men are in on the joke that they've made...that's when the end credits start to roll.
RATING: 6/10. (This is a rating based on "entertainment" value, and is in no way comparable to the ratings of "real" movies.)
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