Writer(s): Nelson Greaves
Starring: Heather Sossaman, Matthew Bohrer, Courtney Halverson, and Shelley Hennig
The “central gimmick” is that all of Unfriended takes place on a computer screen over the course of one night, a ploy that’s every bit as exciting as it sounds. Half the movie is spent waiting for files to load, or watching characters connect to Skype, or running anti-virus software—it seems odd that in a time when just about everyone has some kind of internet-ready device, that they would make a movie that forces us to watch people using said device. It works more as a “computer sim” than it does an actual horror movie; the whole idea is the equivalent of going into a restaurant, and merely being shown a video of people eating instead of being served actual food.
With the big-studio budget this was no doubt given, couldn’t they have made a computer (or even smartphone) program that would have put us in the main role? I mean, it probably couldn’t be exactly personalized—not everyone has Skype, or Facebook accounts—but it could have been a hell of a lot more interactive and scary if we were the ones clicking on links and following “clues”, rather than watching teenaged stereotypes try to fumble their way through an awfully boring series of predictable events. I was reminded of the "Take This Lollipop" "movie" that went viral on Facebook several years ago, which took pictures and geographical information from your own Facebook profile, and blended it with live action videos of a man that wanted to kill you. It was short, and unless you could trick someone into going into it with absolutely no knowledge of it beforehand, obviously just a programmed video, but it was still chilling seeing a killer with your information in his hands (it is also a sobering reminder of the ease at which our own government can spy on us, in much the same way this program works). If the producers went about it in this way, putting us in the action, and forcing us to watch the murders of online "friends", it could have been way more engaging than the bland garbage that we get.
The entire movie is viewed from the laptop of a high schooler named Blair; as it begins, she logs onto the website LiveLeak, where she watches a terribly-choreographed suicide video (that is to say, "terribly-choreographed" in our real-life, but meant to be “authentic” in the film’s world) featuring a high schooler named Laura Barns. After watching this, she connects with her boyfriend Mitch via Skype, a popular video chat program, where he tries to get her to show him some of her “goods”. She teases him, and tells him that she wants to lose her virginity to him during prom. Then four of their friends also connect to the service, interrupting Mitch’s attempts to draw nudes from his girlfriend.
Anyway, on this night, there is a mysterious seventh intruder that has entered their way into the friends’ chat room. They all disconnect and reconnect a couple of times (which we see pretty much in tedious real-time) trying to get rid of the unidentified user, but he or she keeps appearing. They decide that it’s probably just a glitch, and try to ignore the mystery intruder. But then Mitch gets a weird message from someone with the username “billie227”. Then the rest of them do…it quickly becomes obvious that this isn’t some internet troll or glitch, but someone who’s hell-bent on avenging Laura’s death. Could it be Laura herself, returning from the afterlife simply to even things out?
Needless to say, the characters are picked off one by one as Laura seems to exact her vengeance from beyond the grave. The kill scenes, which are shown in fragmented quick sequences that make full use of video effects that simulate online video “lag”, range from laughably atrocious, to simply atrocious. It’s clear they’re going for what’s “shocking” to the audience, but I’m sorry that I don’t find someone using a consumer-grade blender to grind themselves to bits as startling as I find it unintentionally hilarious. No one stopped to think that there's no way such a blender could hack through bone?
Then comes the final scene…oh God, that final scene. The scene that somehow manages to further ruin a film that had nothing going for it in the first place. In this scene, we are treated to one final jump scare that removes every little shred of mystery from the proceedings. In one of the very few moments of intelligence displayed by the filmmakers, we are kept in the dark about what exactly is “stalking” this group of friends. Is it a friend of the deceased, looking for vengeance? Is it Laura herself, stalking her prey from beyond this Earthly realm? Wisely, we are never shown what it is…until a final sequence that reveals everything, at the expense of ruining the only bit of engaging mystery that was remaining. By eliminating the only shred of intrigue in an otherwise formulaic romp, the ending gives its audience one less reason to sit through it, thus bringing the total number down to "zero".
Anyway, on this night, there is a mysterious seventh intruder that has entered their way into the friends’ chat room. They all disconnect and reconnect a couple of times (which we see pretty much in tedious real-time) trying to get rid of the unidentified user, but he or she keeps appearing. They decide that it’s probably just a glitch, and try to ignore the mystery intruder. But then Mitch gets a weird message from someone with the username “billie227”. Then the rest of them do…it quickly becomes obvious that this isn’t some internet troll or glitch, but someone who’s hell-bent on avenging Laura’s death. Could it be Laura herself, returning from the afterlife simply to even things out?
Needless to say, the characters are picked off one by one as Laura seems to exact her vengeance from beyond the grave. The kill scenes, which are shown in fragmented quick sequences that make full use of video effects that simulate online video “lag”, range from laughably atrocious, to simply atrocious. It’s clear they’re going for what’s “shocking” to the audience, but I’m sorry that I don’t find someone using a consumer-grade blender to grind themselves to bits as startling as I find it unintentionally hilarious. No one stopped to think that there's no way such a blender could hack through bone?
Then comes the final scene…oh God, that final scene. The scene that somehow manages to further ruin a film that had nothing going for it in the first place. In this scene, we are treated to one final jump scare that removes every little shred of mystery from the proceedings. In one of the very few moments of intelligence displayed by the filmmakers, we are kept in the dark about what exactly is “stalking” this group of friends. Is it a friend of the deceased, looking for vengeance? Is it Laura herself, stalking her prey from beyond this Earthly realm? Wisely, we are never shown what it is…until a final sequence that reveals everything, at the expense of ruining the only bit of engaging mystery that was remaining. By eliminating the only shred of intrigue in an otherwise formulaic romp, the ending gives its audience one less reason to sit through it, thus bringing the total number down to "zero".
I suppose some credit must be given to the overall feel of the dialogue: most of what unfolds has the genuine feel of a high school chat session, in all its awkward, cringe-inducing glory. The problem with this is just that—most of this just simply doesn’t appeal to anyone outside of high school. There is absolutely no maintained tension, as the atmosphere merely consists of a series of infrequent, and completely ineffective, jump scares.
For their parts, the actors do an overall decent job of making the most of their cardboard characters; while none of them deliver outstanding performances, they all go way above and beyond what the material deserves. On a technical level, the Skype interfaces (which were apparently programmed specially for the movie, to avoid actual lag and buffering issues) are convincing, and well done; so too, I guess, are the “loading” screens that seem to take up most of its running time.
But for anyone with an IQ higher than that of the filmmakers, which is pretty much anyone over the age of 16, Unfriended is a terrible, godawful film that’s partially undone by its severely-limiting gimmick, and then undone the rest of the way from a filmmaking crew that couldn’t wring an ounce of tension from what is presumably their own goddamned idea. There are bad, bland Hollywood horror films—which are sadly a dime-a-dozen--and then there’s Unfriended, which seems to insist on being worse than just about all of them.
RECAP: The cast makes the most of this lose-lose scenario, but Unfriended is a failure from the outset, relying on a central gimmick that is both well-done (from a technical standpoint), yet entirely tedious and unnecessary. If watching files download, or antivirus software run through a scan cycle are your ideas of terrifying, and the sound of mouse clicks send you running for the exits, then Unfriended will provide plenty of scares for you. If, however, you require something of actual substance, then you will be sadly left wanting. Undiscerning teens may find something to like here, mainly as an excuse simply to cuddle up with their girlfriends, but for anyone without ulterior motives, stay as far away from this uninspired snoozefest as you possibly can.
RATING: 1.5/10
For their parts, the actors do an overall decent job of making the most of their cardboard characters; while none of them deliver outstanding performances, they all go way above and beyond what the material deserves. On a technical level, the Skype interfaces (which were apparently programmed specially for the movie, to avoid actual lag and buffering issues) are convincing, and well done; so too, I guess, are the “loading” screens that seem to take up most of its running time.
But for anyone with an IQ higher than that of the filmmakers, which is pretty much anyone over the age of 16, Unfriended is a terrible, godawful film that’s partially undone by its severely-limiting gimmick, and then undone the rest of the way from a filmmaking crew that couldn’t wring an ounce of tension from what is presumably their own goddamned idea. There are bad, bland Hollywood horror films—which are sadly a dime-a-dozen--and then there’s Unfriended, which seems to insist on being worse than just about all of them.
RECAP: The cast makes the most of this lose-lose scenario, but Unfriended is a failure from the outset, relying on a central gimmick that is both well-done (from a technical standpoint), yet entirely tedious and unnecessary. If watching files download, or antivirus software run through a scan cycle are your ideas of terrifying, and the sound of mouse clicks send you running for the exits, then Unfriended will provide plenty of scares for you. If, however, you require something of actual substance, then you will be sadly left wanting. Undiscerning teens may find something to like here, mainly as an excuse simply to cuddle up with their girlfriends, but for anyone without ulterior motives, stay as far away from this uninspired snoozefest as you possibly can.
RATING: 1.5/10
TRAILER
(completely fitting this film would be tied to MTV somehow)
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