Writer(s): Cronenberg, based on the novel by Don DeLillo
Starring: Robert Pattinson, Juliette Binoche, Sarah Gadon, and Paul Giamatti
My initial response to sitting through David Cronenberg’s Cosmopolis was so overwhelming, that I had to sleep on it and let it marinate in my mind before I could even attempt to write about it. That plan backfired when, by the next morning, I had very nearly forgotten that I’d even seen it. Ladies and gentleman, this is a movie so extraordinarily dull that my initial disinterest eventually grew into a seething hatred, and then eventually rounded the corner into actual pity. That’s right, by the end of the movie I just felt sorry for everyone involved, to the point that I literally could not hate it. I cannot remember the last time that happened to me during a movie.
Now keep in mind, I don’t like it at all; not even a little bit. If ever there was a movie created to serve only as background noise, this would be it. It’s a movie about a completely uninteresting billionaire (Robert Pattinson) who merely wants to go across town to his longtime barber just to get his haircut. Only the president happens to be in town, and so what would normally be a mercilessly quick film is elongated to agonizing lengths.
Anyway, that’s the whole plot, but whereas that might sound misleadingly exciting, let me assure you it is not. All that happens is that he talks to people; lots of people, one right after another. Most of the conversations take place from within his own limo, as random characters climb in, converse with him, and then leave. Occasionally, we’re treated to discussions that take place out on a street, or in bookstores, just to break up the monotony…if we’re really lucky (and “lucky” isn’t the right word), we may even get to experience the occasional sex scene, which seem to be inserted at calculated intervals to ensure the viewer doesn’t fall asleep (although they are so awkwardly choreographed that they still manage to be unarousing).
The dialogue is painfully stilted, with a couple lines that made me burst out in a chuckle; how Pattinson managed to deliver any of them without laughing should automatically make him a national hero, but after starring in the Twilight franchise, he probably thought this writing was of a higher quality. As much as I’d love to crucify his performance, which is pretty artificial, it sadly becomes evident that he is merely doing what Cronenberg asked him to do; that’s merely to have all the charm and charisma of a third-rate thespian. But that fits well with the writing, which seems to equate constant rambling monologues with Shakespeare, as long as said speech is teeming with big words.
Yeah, I get it, the whole movie is supposedly a satirical send-up of the soullessness of the ultra-rich; just because it has a point to make doesn’t mean it makes it. If that’s the basic gist of this whole affair, well then this is like turning an idea into a six-panel cartoon, when one would have sufficed.
The worst thing about it is that the name “Cronenberg” is attached; while many of his movies contain philosophical dialogue (and usually blend it with graphic images of bodily mutations), this is the first one that seems to solely be driven by it. It’s every bit as repulsive and unnecessary as it sounds. You will know within ten minutes whether this is the movie for you, and if you’re not engaged by then, stop watching, because you’ve experienced everything there is to experience.
Maybe I’m just too stupid to fully understand it, or maybe I simply didn’t immerse myself into the film as much as I should have. On the other hand, maybe Cosmopolis’ biggest failure is that its simply not nearly as smart as it thinks it is.
RECAP: If ever there was a movie capable of reducing an audience's intelligence, it would be Cosmopolis. It looks good, much in the way all Hollywood pictures should given their ample budgets, but its problem is that it has nothing to say, something it does for nearly two hours. It’s an empty film, almost un-cinematic in that it strives to remove any entertainment out of the art form, instead replacing it with a cold dullness that’s every bit as uninteresting as the characters it generalizes. If you’re still not sure this movie is right for you, and don’t want to waste time, watch the first ten minutes—if you’re not impressed by that point, you won’t be at all.
RATING: 2/10.
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