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Tuesday, December 25, 2018

CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Christmas Wedding Planner (2017)



Okay, it's probably unfair to even rate this, considering we only made it about ten minutes in before we canceled our Netflix subscription, smashed our television set, and gouged out our eyes to prevent ourselves from ever having to witness something so cruel and unusual again; don't consider this a “review” so much as a warning.

This is awful. It's the kind of movie that thinks all it takes to make people laugh are to have two characters run into each other, something that honestly happens three times in the small window of time we were watching. It's the kind of movie that somehow wants to overcome you with holiday cheer, yet throws in characters so despicable that you want to murder them. Of course, I'm sure by the end said characters realize the errors of their ways and make a complete 180, but you shouldn't make your movie feel like an obstacle course to get that far.

It's a shame, too, because lead Jocelyn Hudon is beautiful—one of the cutest girls I've ever seen in a schmaltzy holiday role--but is completely lost amongst the schticky acting and tired story. In this, Hudon is Kelsey, an up-and-coming wedding planner whose first job is also her biggest: Planning her cousin's extravagant wedding. But when she runs into a slightly attractive mega-douche Connor (who even has the douchiest name imaginable!), her world is overturned. Well, not at first, because they hate each other, but something tells me the spirit of Christmas will help change their tune! 

Lots of Disney-grade acting (in the defense of those, they are for pre-pubescent children), coincidences (oh, the man that bought the last scone at the coffeeshop is the cousin's ex-boyfriend?), and totally illogical scenes follow, such as when Kelsey is tasked with removing the mega-douche from a wedding party, even though the guy seems amicably there by all counts. And it's all within the first ten minutes. The idea that this could go on for almost 9 times that length something that most humans cannot fathom. For die-hard, unassuming fans of this kind of movie only.

RATING: 0.5/10 

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CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: A Puppy for Christmas (2016)



You would think the addition of a dog (or any animal, for that matter) to a sentimental Christmas story would be a guaranteed home run, but leave it up to those fine folks at MarVista to find a way to screw it up.

Noelle is a grown woman who has always been obsessed with the idea of owning a dog, but has never been able to get one, because, you know, dogs are ultra-rare and hard-to-find. Her latest dog-prevention obstacle is that the man she's been seeing for five years, ultra-douche extraordinnaire Todd, is allergic to them—until she learns that some dogs are hypo-allergenic, so she goes out and buys one. Turns out, Todd is not allergic to them, but is afraid of commitment, so he dumps her.

Meanwhile, for being so obsessed with dogs, it turns out Noelle has never actually researched anything about them; she takes the puppy to work with her, apparently thinking they come pre-trained. Of course, the puppy gets into adorable mischief that captures the attention of Liam, the rugged hunk that writes the “Adventure” column for the newspaper. After sleeping in her office overnight since she has nowhere else to go (?) she is caught by Liam, who invites her to his remote house for the weekend. This is perfect timing, because he's awaiting the arrival of his fiance, who no one in his family has ever met, and having the woman you're going to marry come home to you alone with a strange woman is probably a really great idea.

Thankfully, it's not so awkward because his family is there to surprise them with a surprise engagement party! After explaining that Noelle is not his fiance (thank God it at least avoided that trope), the two settle down with family, as Liam's real fiance keeps postponing the trip, eventually making it obvious she's never coming back. Good thing sparks are flying between him and Noelle! But it can't just be that easy—after an incredibly lame party, Todd realizes that he gave up a good gal, and tries to woo her back. Which man will she choose?

Really, it all comes down to the characters: Noelle is annoying as shit, and seems completely mismatched in all facets against the good-looking Liam. There was no part of me that felt they were a good match or wanted them to get together, and that's kind of the whole point of the movie. Then there's the whole point of the dog: I didn't even want it to get stuck with Noelle, who never seems to have any time for it amidst trying to fall in love and screwing up at every turn. Again, she shows no signs of anyone who has ever wanted a dog for a minute, let alone her whole life, as the narrative assures us is the case.

It's watchable by the slimmest of margins, and didn't fill me with the level of holiday rage that some of these movies do, but it's one that both animal lovers, and good movie lovers should skip altogether.

RATING: 3/10

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CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: A Christmas Kiss (2011)


Stop me if you've heard this one before: A career-oriented doormat that answers to “Wendy” wants to look for love, but is too busy being controlled by her boss to find time to make that happen. Oh, if only a man could fall into her lap! Well, one does, when she meets a mystery man in an elevator and shares a passionate, life-changing kiss. The problem is, she doesn't know the identity of the man. Is she going to meet him again and fall in love, or will the story take a realistic turn and leave her empty and alone during the holidays?

Of course she'll meet him again, and she doesn't even have to exert any effort to look far, because all of these movies seem to take place in a bubble consisting only of eight people. As it turns out, the man is the boyfriend of her controlling boss, Ms. Ward! Just so there's nothing like complex feelings or emotions to sort out, it's clear that Ms. Ward is only using him for his social status, and is too focused on how a marriage to him could increase her exposure.

This becomes even more apparent when the man (who I'll just keep nameless because, in these movies, it's the male who's the meat) comes to Ms. Ward with a request: that she design a holiday-themed party for his organization's fundraiser. Of course, this is a problem for the controlling, materialistic woman, who doesn't know the first thing about him; naturally, he is disappointed in her ideas. But like all manipulative women, Ms. Ward has no limits to the lengths she will go to keep what she wants, and before you know it, she's claiming the creepily-personal plans that Wendy drew up, as her own!

The familiar-yet-still-ridiculous premise, and insanely meek lead woman (I think at least 60% of the final 40 minutes of the film's running time consists of friends urging her to reveal to him that she was the designer of the plans, while she inexplicably—and maddeningly—finds reasons not to) should hint at a movie that should be avoided at all costs. But you know what? Like the impossible odds faced by the characters in these kinds of movies, this one is actually enjoyable (at least, for what it is).

Laura Breckenridge is beautiful as Wendy, and while her character is a wimp, she still shows off a diverse range of acting chops, nailing the requisite crying scenes with believability and gusto, while maintaining a level of innocent charm that still makes you like her (or, at the very least, not hate her) no matter how dumb she is. Meanwhile, Brendan Fehr as the leading man might not have the effortless looks of his leading lady (no, he's not at all ugly; I just mean he's not what most women would consider “beautiful” at first glance), but wins over the audience with a great balance of charisma and cockiness that blends perfectly with Wendy's hapless romantic. Together, their chemistry is undeniable: this doesn't feel like most romance films, where you only want to see them get together because you know they will and they should, but because they generally seem to want to.

Lastly, even Elisabeth Rohm as the domineering boss—a character that I would normally despise for all the wrong reasons—is perfect, delivering her demeaning, over-the-top lines with such relish and gusto that you'll find yourself laughing at them, despite how unbelievably cold and exaggerated they are. It all comes together to form a movie that is better than it has any right to be, and that should be required viewing for fans of mindless holiday romances.

RATING: 7.5/10

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Monday, December 24, 2018

CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Holly's Holiday (2012)


Those crackpots at MarVista Entertainment are at it again, blasting the world with unnecessary seasonal feelings with yet another cheesy holiday romp, that goes under the name of Holly's Holiday. This time, an ad exec (named Holly, as the title would indicate) dreams of finding her Mr. Right, and of course is unaware that her perfect co-worker who loves her, and completely fits the bill, is right in front of her face for forty hours a week. How are so many women so stupid? (That was a rhetorical question, by the way.)

Of course these movies have to have a “villain”, whether they be intentionally slimy greaseballs, or just a decoy that serves the sole purpose of teaching the woman a valuable lesson about the invalidity of the “perfect man” they spend their whole lives searching for: in this case, it's Bo, a store window mannequin who comes to life, and whose facial expressions are so overexaggerated that I want to chew his face clean off. Of course, Bo is the perfect physical embodiment to what Holly thinks is the man of her dreams, but she's about to discover that looks, and perfection, aren't everything...

I won't bore you with the exact plot details you somehow already know without having watched a single minute of it, but let's just say the whole affair feels every bit as familiar as you are hoping for, though at least there are some genuinely funny moments (an incredibly awkward dinner with Bo's family is responsible for about half of them), and an adorably charming female lead who's at least nice to look at even as she “stupids” her way through life, blowing off the man she's really meant to be with while getting caught up in the sudden perfection of mannequin man, who is the first person she sees as she wakes up from being knocked out on a busy city sidewalk.

This is where I have to admit that writing a review for these movies before you finish them can be dangerous. We had all but fifteen minutes watched, and I was set to give this an above-average review, figuring I knew exactly how it would all play out. Of course I did—everyone knows from the first two minutes who is going to end up with who—but I made the mistake of forgetting that getting from point A to point B in these movies is never a straight line.

In this case, so much is crammed into the finale that it nearly undoes all of the “fun” that proceeded it, dragging itself along like an injured runner desperately trying to cross a finish line. There's attempted sabotage, sudden rivalries, unconvincing arguments, a two-day coma from falling, a hospital stay, and a frantic attempt to beat a deadline, all crammed into 900 seconds, and all just to end up where we knew it was going all along. And now I just realized I made it sound way more badass and entertaining than the actual experience of watching it is, so I'm just going to quit now, and say there are far worse examples of the holiday romance out there, but if you're looking for “more charming than ridiculous”, this one probably won't be your cup of tea.

RATING: 4.5/10

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CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding (2018)



Sometimes—okay, maybe most of the time—it's really shocking to me the things that “take off”. Take, for instance, Netflix's original holiday romance A Christmas Prince, released last year, which somehow blew up and went viral, despite not even being a slightly-enjoyable example of what makes these cheesy movies appealing.

Well given the attention paid to the first one, it was all but guaranteed there would be a sequel. That sequel is called A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding, and it takes everything that was bad with the first, makes them even worse, and then adds a bunch of other bad things to the list. It's one that, dare I say it, even the more hardcore romantic cheeseballs will have a very hard time slogging through.

It's almost a year after the events of the first one, and Amber is finally about to get married to Prince Richard of Aldovia. She is summoned from her New York home, and whisked away to the fictional country to do just that. But she isn't going alone—she's brought her edgy, inner-city pops (who thinks he's a “chef” because he owns a diner in New York City) along. He's one of those no-nonsense type tough guys who thinks it's appropriate to give high fives to dignitaries and bear hug a queen...no way that appalling behavior could eventually endear himself to the royal family!

God, I'm just not going to get into it. If your idea of romance is watching a man constantly get pulled away from his woman to answer work-related calls, this is the movie for you...seriously, Amber spends so much of the movie without her man, that you just expect her to call things off. This is bad, but not in an enjoyable way; it seems to take pride in crossing the line from “frivolously stupid, lighthearted fun” to “rage-inducing idiocy”, and then just staying there as long as it can.

Just a few thoughts I have: Amber really thinks she'll be able to keep blogging as a queen to a kingdom? What exactly does she think being a QUEEN will entail? Why even center a romantic movie around this plot, when the entire first half consists of Richard getting pulled away to deal with business? Why is the dad such a moron? Why does he keep touting his diner credentials, as if those would up his status among royalty? When did the crippled girl learn to hack into computer systems? Why did they have to bring a “feminist” angle to all of this? Of course, for the sake of the movie, she ends up getting her way and completely undoing centuries of time-honored traditions, but common sense would tell you not to marry into a royal family if being yourself is your main motivation in life. How did no one have time to look into a money-laundering scheme so grand, it literally depleted all of Aldovia's money? Jesus...I'm done here.

RATING: 1/10

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CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Angela's Christmas (2017)



Okay, here we go: Time to ruin the holidays for everyone with a bah-humbug moment; we all knew it was coming anyway, so might as well just put it out there to get it over with: I hate the ideology that perpetuates the notion that kids, especially really little ones, don't have to do anything to be cute. There, I said it. I think it's lazy, and furthermore, I don't subscribe to that idea. Yes, I think my child is adorable, even when he does things that annoy me (which, let's be honest, is quite frequently). The vast majority of parents think the same thing about theirs. That's just healthy and normal. But I don't expect other people to think the same way about my child as I do, and I sure as hell don't think other peoples' children are cute, just by default.

This translates to media, where one of my biggest pet peeves are movies that center themselves around small children, but don't give them anything meaningful to do; they rely solely on the fact it's a child to carry it across the finish line, and people gobble it up the same way they do animal videos. Angela's Christmas is that kind of movie, where we're supposed to find it so adorable that a child steals a Jesus statue from a church nativity scene “just to keep it warm” that we're just automatically involved and invested emotionally for thirty whole minutes, no matter how void of substance the rest of it is.

I get the feeling the only reason movies like this exist is to allow the writer to run on auto-pilot; they can basically phone in a sappy story with a child at the center, exert little effort, and rake in the cash. Our inherent ability to immediately identify children as the picture of innocence means the average viewer will automatically love any positive child character, without the need for any unnecessary literary obstacles, such as character development. So in this case, the entire movie is narrated by the little girl's future son, as an example of how perfect and angelic and pure she was, and presumably still is. How this story, which would be just a cute anecdote within the annals of most families, is somehow the one that most completely sums her up as a person, sixty years later, really just speaks to how boring the rest of her life must have been.

Of course her family, which consists of single mother (cue another lazy emotional checkpoint!) and three brothers, eventually find out she stole it, and the mother makes her take it back to the church. This leads to the only unpredictable sequence in the whole affair, in which the priest, so maddened by this child's theft, actually expects her to be arrested and taken to jail. A small child. On Christmas Eve. Granted, it takes place a long time ago, so maybe children weren't automatically revered for every little thing they did back then; either way, the thought that a man of the cloth could react with such vilification toward a little child who is voluntarily returning a doll she stole under cute pretenses is rather bewildering, and completely nonsensical. But of course it functions as yet another cheap emotional payoff; we are relieved that the officer decides not to arrest the little girl, thus returning her to her family for Christmas, and more heartstrings are plucked! I'm surprised they didn't give Angela a disability just to exploit another emotional loophole in human nature while they were at it!

At least even the worst Hallmark-style romance movies know they're bad from the outset, and the audience knows exactly what to expect going in. But the most offensive kind of movies, are trite movies that somehow think they are making some kind of profound, poignant statement, even though they offer nothing of substantial value. I know, I know, families want formulaic movies for the holidays; I get that. They want positive movies that can make them feel good about Christmas traditions, and nothing is better than a poor family (did I not mention the family of four with the single mother is poor?) showing that materialistic wants are trumped by the good inside all of us. And it will no doubt succeed, given that it checks off all those requirements, and is being peddled by Netflix. It also may very well may fit the bill for families with young children (our two year old loves it), who are too young to understand its meaning, yet are taken by its animation style.

But aside from the music, which is simple and effective and features a lullaby-style vocal track that hits all the notes the movie fails to hit, for me, the most positively life-affirming thing about Angela's Christmas, is that it's only thirty minutes long.

RATING: 2.5/10

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CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: How Sarah Got Her Wings (2015)



The biggest problem with How Sarah Got Her Wings, besides the thrown-together and half-realized premise, is that it tries to do way too many things within a short amount of time. Here we have a movie about a goody two shoes who is killed trying to rescue a homeless man's dog, but finds that she isn't on the list to get into heaven. So she is sent back to Earth, as a ghost, to make things right with Jordan, a man whose heart she broke one Christmas Eve. And, of course, she has a limited amount of time before she is forced to spend her eternity in the middle ground between Heaven and Hell—a waiting room.

This one at least perfectly captures the lighthearted mood of a good holiday romance, though calling it a “romance” film feels surprisingly wrong. It almost functions as an anti-thesis to the typical Hallmark-style love story; those that enjoy watching these movies to see the two leads finally get together after spending the whole movie oblivious to each others feelings may be disappointed—as it turns out (SPOILER ALERT) her job isn't to get back together with her ex, but rather to make sure he stays with the woman that he fell in love with after the break-up: Amanda, a charming black woman with an equally-charming English accent and a ten-year-old son.

One thing I have to give it, is that it's actually unpredictable, at least as far as these movies are concerned. While the ending is alluded to in the beginning, it never makes sense until the rushed, unearned finale, and the “terms” of her time on Earth keep changing (at first, only her ex can see her; the second time, only the woman can see her; the third time...let's just say it gets even more ridiculous). It loses some points by constantly giving Sarah loopholes and time extensions that, even for its already-extreme premise, feel like complete copouts (“Oh, you failed and time has passed...well, we don't normally do this, but here, have some extra time to figure this out”), while the bonding sequences between Jordan and Amanda's son are pitch-perfectly awful and awkward.

This could have been an anger-inducing, unwatchable mess, but credit must be given to the actors, who bring the material up to a grade higher than it deserves to be. The cast is all-around good looking, with Sarah nailing the “innocent and cute, but not too cute” requirement, while her ex also hits the requirement of being “too good-looking for the innocent girl” (seriously, why are the guys so much better looking in these?), though in this case, it's forgiven as technically they are not the ones getting together.

If you can take—or better yet, are desperately looking—for a movie that breaks with the tired and true holiday romance formula, How Sarah Got Her Wings at least provides enough charm to keep your mind off the convoluted plot and logical inconsistencies (when she's a ghost that no one can see, how come no one notices the things she's carrying floating around in mid-air?) to see you through to the finish line. And, let's be honest here, sometimes just making it to the end is the highest honor you can bestow this type of movie.

RATING: 6/10

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Wednesday, December 12, 2018

NON-CHRISTMAS CAPSULE: Christian Mingle (2014)

Oh, Christ...

I'm cheating a little bit, because this isn't even a Christmas movie, but for some reason I equated it with one the first time I saw it and so I'm just going to pretend it is (though, in my defense, a character does oddly have a Christmas tree in the background during an early scene...). But there's no way I just sat through this, for a second time, with no possible course of action to warn the general public against watching this movie, under any circumstances.

This is that movie for people that saw the awful ChristianMingle.com ads and thought, “Wow, I wish they would drag this out to feature length”—and only for those zero people. I won't get into my whole viewpoints on religion, but it doesn't matter: no matter how you affiliate with Christianity, whether you're the world's biggest atheist or a preacher yourself, chances are great you'll be cringing your way through most of these 90 minutes. Even beyond its agonizing preachiness and judgmental tone, it only seems to want to show that in order to be a good Christian, you have to be a boring, terrible person.

Gwyneth (Lacey Chabert, of course) is a female marketing executive (of course!) desperate for love who sees all of her friends getting engaged, and so she decides the best possible course of action is to sign up for ChristianMingle.com, after seeing an ad for it on TV. Yeah, because even Christians think that's a logical step toward finding true love. Whatever. Anyway, there's only one problem: She is not technically a Christian. She's not against the idea, mind you, she just doesn't practice Christianity by reading a bible or going to church every Sunday and, by the guidelines of the people involved in making this movie, that apparently means she's a piece of shit and going directly to hell. Oh, and we already know from an introductory voiceover that she finds both true love, and Him, telling us everything we need to know and honestly preventing us from even needing to watch it to know how it plays out.

Of course, through the service, she meets Paul, a practicing Christian who hosts weekly bible studies with his equally boring married friends, and who enjoys talking about Christ as much as possible. Paul is a smug little prick, the kind of person you want to punch in the face the first time you see him; by the end, you'll desperately want Gwyneth to fall in love with literally anyone else, preferrably a non-Christian that she can have engaging conversations, and loads of premarital sex, with.

Anyway, to speed this up, Paul goes in a missionary trip to Mexico without even telling Gwyneth (because that's a pretty Christian thing to do) and then invites her to come down with him, only once he's there, and on a complete whim. She drops what she is doing, and buys a fucking plane ticket to Mexico, only to have her “true intentions” outed by a copy of Christianity for Dummies (seriously, true story), because, apparently, no one is allowed to want to learn more about religion, and because traveling to Mexico in no way signals her love for him. After all, he's King Christian, and doesn't have to do any extra reading on the topic because he already knows every single shred of possible knowledge about the subject.

But no, that smug little prick sends her back home, appalled that the woman he fell for was just "pretending the whole time". So, of course Gwyneth spends her free time back in the States dedicating her life to Christ—and it's still not enough, when a few months (or weeks, or years, I don't even care) later, she has another run in with Paul, in which she calls out that the ex-girlfriend he is back together with, isn't even right for him. The smug little prick tells her she's out of line and that he will “pray for her”, but beyond that there is nothing he can do, and that they should never see each other again. Somehow, instead of slitting his throat right then and there, she takes that information to heart, quits her cushy marketing job and goes back to Mexico alone, to fulfill her dreams of being a teacher there. Paul comes for her, informs her he broke up with his ex, and then proposes. The End.

What do we learn? Well, for starters, put your religion above love, and settle for a fellow Christian, even if you do not want to be with them; if you're reading a purchased copy of Christianity for Dummies, you are just a poser and not at all interested in learning about religion; leaving your job just to visit a man in Mexico in no way proves loyalty or dedication to them; women should allow men to control and degrade them for "not being Christian enough"; ChristianMingle.com is a wonderful service, when used the way God intended.

RATING: 1/10

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Monday, December 10, 2018

CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Snowmance (2017)

If you want a surprising example of "perfect" holiday romance for me, this is it.
A woman, Sarah, and her best male friend, Nick, make a snowman (called a “snow beau”, and named Cole) every year, that captures all of the qualities she is looking for in her ideal boyfriend, with the idea that one day she will find him in real life. Well, twenty years on and she still hasn't found that man of her dreams...until a weird but handsome man, also ironically named Cole, shows up on her front door out of nowhere. Immediately, she knows he is the one, and he promises her the life of adventure that she has always dreamed of. But is he too good to be true? Or will she realize that the man of her dreams is actually the one that's been right under her nose the entire time?

This one can't help but be a stinker, right? Actually, it's quite the opposite, with a charming cast all-around, good acting, and more genuinely funny moments than we've ever seen in a Hallmark-style romance movie. Sure, it's predictable as all hell, but it also benefits from slightly eschewing the normal earmarks of such movies: namely, there are no unbelievable fights between the main love interests that spring out of nowhere just to fulfill genre expectations, and—at the risk of slight spoilers—no evil bad guy that suddenly shows his true colors. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of other “required” scenes that get checked off, but they're not annoyingly done, and all fit within the theme of the story.

At the risk of sounding shallow, the cast (save for Cole) isn't traditionally attractive, but they add depth and personality to their characters that are otherwise missing from other such movies, and the chemistry is there. (Hey, in my defense, the attractiveness of cast is generally the only satisfaction one can fall back on if things go south with the story, which is a common occurrence in flicks of this type.)

Honestly, this is one that we had no expectations for, and, while saying it “blew us away” might be quite an exaggeration, it was not only enjoyable for what it was, but honest-to-goodness just enjoyable as a lighthearted piece of fluff. One of the rare wins for MarVista Entertainment, which has to be one of the worst production companies of all time (yet is clearly successful enough to be able to make dozens upon dozens of these movies every minute).

RATING: 8/10

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Sunday, December 9, 2018

CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Christmas With a View (2018)


Clara is the manager of a restaurant in a small town who dreams one day of owning her own. Shane is a “celebrity” chef whose claim to fame is winning a popular cooking show. Of course, instead of moving to LA and taking advantage of his newfound fame, he instead settles down in Clara's small town to try to answer a question that has puzzled him his whole life. Surely sparks must fly, right?

Complicating matters is Clara's sleazy boss, who makes plans of buying a property and making Clara the owner if she helps him to seal the deal. But, of course, Shane's prying only seems like jealousy to Clara (although why a celebrity chef would be jealous of someone else's success doesn't really add up), who pushes him away in order to pursue her dreams. Will she find out the truth about her sleazy boss? Or will she end up giving love away for her own selfish pursuits?

The story weaves its way through increasingly ridiculous twists and turns, mainly thanks to Clara's naivety, and there are more than enough sequences that will make all but the most dire Christmas romance aficianados reach for the “stop” button. But it does benefit from above-average acting (for this type of movie), and very good-looking leads that at least help to take the edge off the annoying story.

Even with the lowered expectations that come along with this type of film, it's not very good, but there's enough there that you should at least be able to finish it; at the very least, would make good background noise for a Christmas party, or other holiday festivities where paying close attention wouldn't be required.

On a side note: Have I been lied to about what a Harlequin novel is? I'm noticing a lot of Christmas movies based off of them lately--this one proudly touts it on the poster--but those novels have the reputation of being sex-filled romps. Are there separate kinds of Harlequin novels, or are these movie cash grabs watering down the source material for family-friendly holiday fun? I'm too lazy to research this, so please feel free to answer in the comments.

RATING: 5/10

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Saturday, December 8, 2018

CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: The Christmas Calendar (2017)



Not to be confused with the similarly-titled Netflix original The Holiday Calendar, this MarVista-produced (oh God) holiday garbage is about Emily, a woman who runs a bakery in a small town (of course it’s a small town). Gerrard is the Frenchman who runs a rival bakery in a supermarket across the street. But, despite making it painfully obvious from the beginning, Emily is too stupid to realize that the man is interested in her, and what should be a quick ten-second movie is instead drawn out to feature length. Lucky us. Oh, and the movie gets its title from a random calendar that shows up in the woman’s bakery one day; the whole town has nothing better to do than to get caught up in the mystery of who the secret admirer is that sent it.

I don’t know if my definition of a “good” Hallmark-style Christmas movie is that different from everyone else’s, but this one hit every single note of annoyance for me: There are the old gossiping grandmas who clearly get a load of excitement from figuring out the mystery man; the villain attempting to take down the main star in the form of the manager of the supermarket across the street; the fact that the holiday calendar provides such scintillating mystery that the hashtag GOES VIRAL nationwide; the small-town setting; the clear and unbridled stupidity of the main girl, who believes the male baker is out to steal her business, misses all of his blatant cues of interest in her, and then suddenly, of course, falls in love with him on the writer's cue. It's like a hall-of-fame of tropes, all gathered right here for the non-discerning holiday romance lover.

Really, the only impressive thing in all of this is Zeb’s outstanding French accent, which isn’t one of those “mostly English but slightly foreign” accents, but a full-on, hard-to-understand-sometimes, put-closed-captioning-on-so-you-don't-miss-a-line heavy one that shows a dedication to this that no one else in the production had. I also liked the character of Ivy, although I still can’t tell if her hilariously deadpan delivery was intentional, or just a result of poor acting; either way, her awkwardness is a rare bright spot in a movie that’s so full of schlocky emotional drivel that it becomes almost physically painful. This is all just by-the-numbers whimsy, but not the good kind: a movie so impossibly full of holiday charm that it works in reverse, sapping all the holiday excitement from the viewer, and leaving behind a lobotomized mass of emptiness. Don’t be surprised if you walk away from the viewing unable to feel happy ever again.

RATING: 2/10

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Tuesday, December 4, 2018

CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Miss Me This Christmas (2017)


We don't watch a lot of black Christmas movies. No, not because we're racist, but for two reasons: 1.) There just aren't that many to begin with, and 2.) We don't really think about it. The two go hand-in-hand, as scrolling through the holiday offerings on any number of streaming sites reveals countless thumbnail images of white families grinning like idiots against Christmas tree backdrops, while minorities seem to be confined to starring in the “crime” subgenres.

So when my wife caught not one, but two holiday movies on Netflix that featured non-whites, they made her list immediately. Miss Me This Christmas is the first one we chose to watch...and I don't know if the fact that it's every bit as bad as most Caucasian-made holiday tales is a small victory, or a huge disappointment. And that's a shame, because it boasts a really good-looking cast (Eva Marcille as the best friend is an absolute stunner), and above-average acting, but it all gets lost in a story that never really seems to understand where it wants to go, much less how to go about getting there.

The main story involves the marriage of Regina and Franklin Young, young lovers who got married on Christmas Day and fell in love with the holiday as a result. But after accusing Franklin of infedelity, Regina decides she wants a divorce...a divorce that won't be finalized until right smack dab on December 25th. Talk about putting a damper on Christmas!

To get some space until the marriage is officially over, Regina moves in with her best friend Trish, a partygirl who lives in a penthouse suite at a fancy hotel, and starts falling in love with an odd, awkward millionaire who lives next door. Every once in a while, Franklin checks in to make sure we still remember that he's a part of the story, but other than that, he seems largely forgotten, as the story weaves along from one poorly-conceived plot point, to the next. This makes the ending—don't think I'm really adding any spoilers here if I mention the former couple decide to stay together after all—seem all the more forced.

Fans of the obligatory sequences where one spouse catches another in a compromising position that isn't at all what it looks like, but walks away in anger before verifying that their fears were actually founded, will find plenty to like here, because that's pretty much all that happens, back and forth, over and over again; it's all a series of half-assed misunderstandings, and incredibly unbelievable actions that sink what could have been at least an above-average holiday romp.

Sadly, the other predominantly-black Christmas movie on Netflix, You Can't Fight Christmas, seems to recycle many of the same characters (though the main stars are different), and looks like it will be just more of the same. C'mon guys, when can washed-up black stars get starring roles in cliched holiday romances like their white brethren?

RATING: 4/10

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Sunday, December 2, 2018

CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: The Holiday Calendar (2018)



Starring in these lighthearted holiday romance movies is about the equivalent of starring in a porn: You never see top talent star in either of those examples, nor has anyone who got their “start” in one of those ever crossed over into mainstream movie roles. They are basically a vessel for the Haylie Duffs and Lacey Chaberts of the world to still earn a paycheck after their primes have escaped them.

That being said, Netflix has immense buying power, and The Holiday Calendar features probably the best looking main star combination of any Hallmark-style romance film ever made, in Kat Graham and Quincy. Often, viewers only have the looks of the cast to fall back on when the story takes a nose dive, or when characters act out of character just to force the “fight scene” seemingly required of all these movies. Yet, they both bring some acting chops, as well as a believable level of chemistry, to their roles, which helps to elevate this one above the norm.

Graham is Abby, a woman who, of course, is looking for love. Quincy is her longtime best friend who, of course, has always been in love with her. When Abby's uncle gifts her an antique advent calendar, she initially thinks nothing of it...until the items inside lead her to Ty, a man who's too good to be true. Quincy's pleas that something isn't right with him fall on deaf ears (there's the fight scene!) as Abby feels she has found the perfect one for her. But the calendar works in mysterious ways, and by the time she reaches the final day, she finds that all the clues were pointing in an unexpected direction. Well, new for her...I mean, we knew where it was headed once the opening credits started.

This one is less annoying than most, though there are still an abundance of “Why are they acting that way?” moments that seem inserted out of sheer obligation to holiday films moreso than anything else. Yet it's watchable, thanks to the believability of the lead pair, and...well, really, that's about it. Everything else is pretty lackluster and too predictable.

RATING: 6/10 (Note: These ratings are weighted and adjusted for Christmas movies and are not at all comparable to ratings of "real", "normal" "films".)


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Saturday, December 1, 2018

CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: The Princess Switch (2018)

The only thing worse than one Vanessa Hudgens...
Oh God, stop me if you've heard this one before: Two lookalikes switch places to experience life from the other person's viewpoint for a few days. In this case, it's Vanessa Hudgens, who gets to play both a baker from Chicago, and a Duchess who is sick of spending life as royalty. Along the way, they'll learn a few things about Christmas, love, but above all...themselves.

I know, I know, Christmas movies are supposed to be trite, familiar stories that audiences already know scene-for-scene without even having to watch them. In fact, all American movies are basically required to follow that formula (as the thousands of movie-based-on-popular-comic-book movies released monthly can attest); but the best ones, at least for me, are ones that at least try to breathe some new life into the subgenre. Hell, even if it can omit just one genre cliché, that can be considered a small victory. Such a notion is too advanced for The Princess Switch, which pretty much just relies on the overrated looks of Vanessa Hudgens to carry the movie from beginning to end.

I'll admit, her looks did grow on me a little bit by the end--she does have that perfect kind of innocence in her face that almost makes her destined to star in one of these vehicles--but it's obvious that most, if not all, of the budget went toward appeasing her, leaving nothing else but the standard mix of unimaginative jokes and two equally uninspiring love stories. In short, it's just the sort of thing die-hard fans of these movies will gobble up unequivocally, but that won't win over anyone else.

RATING: 4/10 (Note: These ratings are weighted and adjusted for Christmas movies and are not at all comparable to ratings of "real", "normal" "films".)


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Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Hereditary (2018)

Director: Ari Aster
Writer(s): Aster
Starring: Toni Collette, Milly Shapiro, Gabriel Byrne, and Alex Wolff



I have fallen for an ad campaign.

That might not sound like a necessarily negative statement. After all, people fall for them thousands of times daily, given that's the entire point of their existence. Companies are always trying to push their brands out there using catchy monikers and hyperbolic statements, using whatever they can to get a leg up on the competition. It's just a fact of life. Advertisements are everywhere, and I must say that I have grown quite accustomed to completely ignoring them. But everyone is a victim at some point.

I first heard about Hereditary back in January. It was actually a friend who mentioned it to me, having read on some horror news site about a film out of the Sundance Film Festival that was garnering praise and reputation as the scariest film of the year. That's a pretty hefty statement for any horror film released in a given year, but an even more impressive feat when the month it's released happens to be the first month of the whole goddamned year. Immediately, my interest was piqued. A trailer was released a short time later, and that solidified things—I had to see this in a theater.

Let me be clear about the weight of that statement: I don't see movies in a theater. Like, almost ever. I find it to be a huge waste of money. Yes, please let me pay $30 for a popcorn and soda, the two cheapest things to make on any menu and probably a 1000% markup, after having just dropped $20 for two pieces of paper. Hmm, I'm very baffled as to how piracy is a widespread problem.

Hereditary starts off brilliantly, with an opening shot that slowly tracks around a room before settling on a dollhouse. The camera pans into it closely, and we realize it's a smaller version of a bedroom, complete with a doll lying in the bed. Then, the door opens and a character walks in, It's a brilliant, seamless transition from static miniature shot to live-action film, and just one in a myriad of examples of technological prowess featured within. But technical prowess does not a movie make, and Hereditary crumbles under the weight of its own convoluted story.

It wastes no time setting up what we believe will be the outer shell of the story: Annie (Toni Collette, in a performance for which there are no words) and the rest of her family are mourning the loss of her mother, who recently passed away. Well, “mourning” might be a strong word, as most of the family members don't really seem to mind that she is gone. We eventually learn that she was a bitter old woman even when she was fine, but was made even more unbearable as she slowly started giving in to the effects of dementia, and this became increasingly difficult to bear for all the remaining members of the family.

The old woman fell out of touch with almost everyone in the family, but she always held an unhealthy fascination with Charlie, Annie's introverted thirteen-year-old daughter. Charlie is a simple little girl, who likes to “cluck” her tongue against the roof of her mouth, and who has a weakness for sweets (predominantly chocolate bars; however, she has a severe allergy to nuts). But her simplicity and innocence belies a morbid fascination with death. For example, after a bird commits accidental suicide after flying into her class window, she calmly grabs a pair of scissors, and goes outside to decapitate the already-dead animal. She also passes her time drawing creepy portraits of family members. Has she always had this predilection for disturbing pictures, or is she perhaps being...helped...by her dead grandmother?

From here, I will honor the “Critic's Code” (a moniker I just made up because I'm far from a respectable reviewer of movies) and resist the strong urge I have to spill some plot beans. Why? Because, supposedly, this is one of those films that work better the less you know about its plot; a notion I call bullshit to, because all I did was watch the trailer and I was still incredibly disappointed. I want to describe it in detail not to prepare you for what you're going to see, but to warn you about what you're going to see. And not because it's so shocking, but because it's so maddeningly stupid. (Though I must admit an early twist is perfectly shocking, and falsely lulls you into a sense that the film is heading down the right track.)

I guess I can kind of see the acclaim, because what Hereditary does right, it does almost perfectly: It's a technical masterpiece, with outstanding shots and visual trickery galore. I am rather surprised to see that Peter Greenaway's The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover--amongst one of my favorite films of all time--also had a profound effect on writer/director Ari Aster, and while I cannot say that I would have picked up on that just from watching Hereditary, you can clearly see that, like Greenaway, he does have an artist's aptitude for creating striking visual compositions.

Then there's Toni Collette, who, quite frankly, gives one of the greatest horror performances of all time. I don't really pay attention to acting all that often, because it's generally the least interesting part of a movie for me. But she, as Annie, is required to run the gamut of emotions from endless despair, to pent-up rage, and does so with such a burning intensity and commitment to the role that's refreshing for a genre typically relegated to screaming women and one-note characters. No matter what you think of the film, there is no denying that she is the main reason any of it even remotely works whatsoever; the other actors seem to feed off her performance, and while no one can even come close to matching her, they all turn in solid renditions. I'm tempted to make some reference about how Collette not being nominated for some sort of major Hollywood award would be a travesty, but the whole Hollywood system is a travesty, a smoke and mirrors campaign that bases its awards on algorithms and politics, rather than those actually deserving to win. By this metric, it might actually mean more if she doesn't.

At the end of the day, though, Hereditary is an arthouse movie being forced into mainstream theaters. It's the kind of movie that critics get hard-ons over, while bemoaning the “average moviegoers” who are “idiots” and “don't get it” because it's a “cinematic masterpiece”. I understand that mentality, because I have to admit that normally I would be on their side: I do think a large portion of the theater-going public are idiots. They are the reason that people like Adam Sandler are considered funny beyond third grade, and the reason there are three Taken movies. They soak up bland drivel and predictable films without a second thought, encouraging studios to recycle ideas and forcefeeding audiences with docile, unchallenging pictures that merely regurgitate the same tired, familiar formulas ad nauseum, to inexplicably packed houses.

But you know what? Sometimes it's not the audience members that are morons; sometimes, it's the studios, who purposefully market films they themselves don't understand in completely misleading ways. The idea is obviously to create a building snowball worth of hype, and by the time the film is released and the audience realizes that what they're seeing is nothing at all like what they were promised, the studio already has their money. The reviews all point to how terrifying and gripping it is, but no one has mentioned how half the audience erupted in laughter as the final credits started rolling during the opening night screening I attended. And no, it wasn't the nervous laughter of a group of people who had just survived the world's scariest movie and weren't sure how to process their emotions. It was the laughter of a group of people who figured out, much too late, that they had been duped.

In some business circles, this would be known as a “bait-and-switch” tactic, but in Hollywood, it's known as “business as usual” (just like rape and pedophilia). And, just like the idiots they were targeting, I fell hook, line, and sinker.

Overall: 5/10

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