Night of the Living Dead (1990)

Director: Tom Savini
Writer(s): George A. Romero
Starring: Tony Todd, Patricia Tallman, Tom Towles, and McKee Anderson

The original Night of the Living Dead, released way back in 1968, is one of the most frightening movies ever made. It is a masterpiece in almost every conceivable manner: Circumstance, with its gutsy (for its time) use of both a woman, and a black man, as the two main characters; atmosphere, with its stark black and white photography; simplicity, with a plot that literally unfolds almost entirely in one farmhouse; and time, as it completely caught unsuspecting moviegoers off guard, thanks to some surprisingly graphic scenes (the image of the body at the top of the stairs still sticks with me today). It is one of those rare films whose power still holds up fifty years later, and one old horror film still deserving of its “classic” title.

Here we have a remake, crafted by the director of the original, who serves as a writer, and directed by legendary effects man Tom Savini. Now, there is no shortage of successful movies that have “updated” their model with additional gore—Cronenberg's The Fly, Chuck Russell's The Blob, and in a slightly looser sense, Carpenter's The Thing all spring immediately to mind—but Night of the Living Dead doesn't have the benefit of a two-word title starting with “The”, and so judging from my examples, it's doomed from the beginning.  But its biggest drawback is that it doesn't seem interested in filling the screen with gore at all, which basically eliminates the only reason one would have Savini direct anything. It's a flaccid, slow slog through familiar territory, that removes every single thing that made the original so effective. If it weren't written by Romero, this might make a little more sense; since it was, it's basically unforgivable.

The plot is taken verbatim from the 1968 version: A handful of survivors take refuge in an abandoned farmhouse to escape from an ever-growing army of the undead, and then argue a lot about how best to survive. This Night of the Living Dead at least occasionally tries its best to throw us for a loop, but at the expense of proving to us that it's ignorant to remake near-perfection. Take, for example, the very first scene, in which a woman named Barbara and her brother head to a cemetery to visit their mother. Everything is kept almost exactly the same between the old and new versions, except where the first film features a brilliant first attack, Romero tries flipping the script on those that think this will be just a straight-up re-do of his first effort, having the first shambling “zombie” that we see merely serve as a decoy for an attack that comes out of nowhere. It works in a cheap jumpy kind of way (it did catch me off guard), but doesn't nearly have the potency that made the original work (the irony of Barb's brother stating, “Oh look, here comes one of them now,” unaware that it was, in fact, the thing he was mocking, is absolutely chilling; it's lost here).

Even the cast of characters are almost exactly the same, with one notable exception: Ben remains tough and black (and is skillfully played by Tony Todd); Harry Cooper remains a selfish prick; his wife Helen is caught between the will of her husband, and her own; their daughter Sarah is still the victim of a zombie attack; Tom still comes off as a simpleton; his girlfriend Judy Rose is still a screaming mess.

The only noticeable change is in Barbara's character, where Romero takes her from one extreme to the other: Instead of being annoyingly timid, she's now annoyingly gung-ho, willing to put her life in danger for no explainable reason other than she knows she's the main character in a movie and can't be killed. Her initial scenes, as she comes to grips with the events around her, play out very similarly to the original, until she suddenly develops a lust for blood and "living life on the edge", and is always urging Ben to leave the house and run, under the justification that zombies are slow and can be outrun. The only thing missing from her plan, is an actual plan: Where would they sleep? Where would they run to? How would they get ammo and other necessities? At the very least, the house contains enough ammunition and food for a little while.

Savini's direction is pretty bad, as is Romero's screenplay. The disappointing combination is summed up perfectly by the thirty-minute scene where they cover the windows using anything wooden they can find, which goes on way too long, and with no regard for continuity: Zombies start pouring in from barricaded windows, even though half the windows are still unboarded and wide open.  Good thing zombies don't make it to the open windows until the group conveniently has time to cover them first! The whole scene just feels haphazard and slapped together, with nothing even remotely resembling tension in it for the viewer, as it goes on and on. And on and on.

Then, once we make it through this, we're simply treated to shouting matches between Ben and Harry Cooper (an overacting Tom Towles), which leads to an ending of incredibly stupid proportions: Gone is the genius irony of the original, only to be replaced with an obvious one that isn't as shocking as it thinks it is.

Why was Romero adamant that Savini directed this borefest? With very little in the way of violence, many directors could have handled the material just as well, if not better. This is a zombie movie without teeth—a film too restrained to leave any sort of impact on its audience. It would have been a bad film even if it were graded on its own merits; the fact it's a remake of one of the greatest horror films of all time—and thus prone to comparisons between them—only makes it worse.

RATING: 2/10

TRAILER

Eerie Indiana, S1 E6: Just Say No Fun

Starring:
Omri Katz as Marshall Teller
Justin Shenkarow as Simon Holmes
Mary-Margaret Humes as Marilyn Teller
Francis Guinan as Edgar Teller
Julie Condra as Syndi Teller
Lucy Lee Flippin as Nurse Nancy
Roy Brocksmith as Principal Togar
Raffi Di Blasio as Doug Dimsdale
Archie Hahn as Mr. Radford
Todd Jeffries as Canadian Mountie

Written by: Michael R. Perry
Directed by: Bryan Spicer

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The beginning of “Just Say No Fun” perfectly exemplifies what makes “Eerie, Indiana” such an engaging, charming show: Marshall and Simon play a prank on their father, in which they rig a little critter to pop out of their dad's cereal, which is triggered by a switch they hide under his chair cushion. In many other kid's shows, the kids would find themselves in trouble for simply being kids and trying to have fun: here, the dad encourages them to do the same thing to their mother, then their sister, each victim in turn becoming an active participant in the ensuing person's lighthearted humiliation.

And that sums up the appeal of the series all in one simple scene. It is also the perfect example of what makes a television show geared toward younger viewers work so well: if it can bring back nostalgic memories of my childhood--not necessarily through specific scenes, but just by having a similar freewheeling sense of carelessness and fun—then it's instantly a winner in my book. Too many kids' series try to paint the family dynamic as “children vs. adults”, where only one side can win. But “Eerie” was always much smarter than that: the parents always encouraged their child to be a child. Of course, they were willing to reprimand him if he went too far, but they never wanted to punish him simply for trying to experiment or even for allowing his imagination to run wild...after all, isn't that what being a kid is all about?

It's not all fun and games though, because this introductory scene also shows us what's at stake in this episode. After pranking his family in the first scene, Marshall and Simon head to school with a pack of gag gum, looking to extend their mischievous mood to fellow classmates. But this plan gets derailed when a bully steals the gum, pops a piece in his mouth, then spits the smoking, smoldering piece back on the ground. As he goes to confront Marshall and Simon (who, in their defense, weren't intending to make him the victim), their verbal exchange is interrupted by the principal, who curiously sends them to the nurse's office for an eye exam. Huh?

It quickly becomes apparent why: All of the students that exit the nurse's office wear thick-rimmed glasses, but act as if they've been lobotomized, becoming study-obsessed kids with no room for fun in their lives. And it's not just the troublemakers that are being sent there...all the students, and even the faculty, are required to make an appointment with Nurse Nancy, a woman who has “tamed” many schools before. Simon is the first of our heroes to visit the “nurse”, while Marshall thankfully escapes. Can Marshall reverse the effects for not just his buddy, but the entire school? Or will Nurse Nancy's influence spread through the entire town?

Overall, this is a pretty good episode that deals with themes that just about every kids show tackle (the “blend in with everyone else or be yourself” conundrum), but this one has the benefit of above-average insight and writing. Once again, this can be summed up in one exchange: As Marshall is going to a visit with Nurse Nancy (where once again the parents don't believe Marshall's assurance that she's trying to brainwash him), his father says, “Why can't you be like the other students?” to which Marilyn replies, “Well maybe he shouldn't. Maybe he should just be himself.” It's a rather corny line, but the actors—who have always been above-average for a show aimed toward younger crowds—make it a convincing rallying cry that you can hang the entire episode around.

The end is a little too goofy for my tastes, but is probably one of the few moments in the entire series where it goes overboard enough to truly appeal to its target demographic. In other words, most kids will revel in the stupidity of it all. I can appreciate what it was trying to do, but it just didn't do anything for me (although the final line did bring a little smirk to my face). Still, the rest of the episode is interesting—and thanks to the glimpses we get of Nurse Nancy's “eye testing” machine, trippy—enough to interest a wide variety of ages. It doesn't end on a great note, but there are at least enough notes hit to make for a good episode.

EPISODE RATING: 6/10

FULL EPISODE

Available here

(Sorry, can't figure out how to embed it here and don't really care to spend time learning)

Eerie Indiana, S1, E5: Scariest Home Videos

Starring:
Omri Katz as Marshall Teller
Justin Shenkarow as Simon Holmes
Mary-Margaret Humes as Marilyn Teller
Francis Guinan as Edgar Teller
Julie Condra as Syndi Teller
Tony Jay as Sir Boris von Orloff
Christian & Joseph Cousins as Harley Holmes
Shawna Casey as Maiden

Written by: Karl Schaefer
Directed by: Sam Pillsbury

Well, ladies and gentleman, this might be it: the “breakthrough” episode of the series. As with all previous episodes, you can ignore the title...there's nothing here that will be scary for any child over the age of three, nor is it the show's point to scare. What it is, however, is a clever play on the typical “switch parts” trope, in which Simon's crazy brother, Harley, ends up in a mummy flick. But, as Marshall and Simon wonder, if he's in the television, then where's the mummy? In their house, of course!

It all starts on Halloween. For reasons never made clear, Simon's younger brother, Harley, who looks like he'd be the perfect age for trick or treating, is forced to stay at home and be babysat by Marilyn, Marshall's mom, while he and Simon go out monster hunting. At least, that's how the night's supposed to go. But as we already know, things in Eerie, Indiana often don't turn out the way they're supposed to. In this case, Marshall's father is stranded with a dead car, so Marilyn has to go pick him up. This leaves Marshall and Simon in charge of Harley.

Trying to make the most of the situation, Marshall decides to have Simon unwittingly film Harley playing with lizards, in the hopes that what transpires will be funny enough to win $10,000 on a certain home video show. That plan doesn't take long to backfire, and before Marshall knows it, he has a lizard of his own down his pants.

So they set Harley up in front of the television, forcing him to watch “Bloody Revenge of the Mummy's Curse” while they plan on keeping themselves busy. Bad luck follows poor Harley, though, and after biting down on the remote (?), he ends up in the mummy movie, while Marshall and Simon now have a mummy of their own to deal with. They might not have been able to go monster hunting, but one certainly found them!

As it turns out, this isn't a real mummy, but rather the actor that plays the mummy: self-proclaimed “international star” Boris von Orloff, a curmudgeonly old man who's been dead for fifty years. They hatch a plan to reverse the effects and send Boris back into the set of his own movie—which Harley is trashing. The scenes of Harley knocking stuff over and causing general havoc while the female star, who's stuck in the movie's loop and thinks she's being chased by the mummy, simply runs away and screams the whole time is the kind of thing that makes “Eerie, Indiana” special...it has a unique self-awareness missing from shows in general these days.

This is the first episode where everything felt like it was firing on almost all cylinders for me. The writing is pretty sharp, there are more than a couple laugh-out-loud moments...even a risque sex joke finds its way in there (courtesy of Marshall's stranded mom and dad). It's kind of a shame that Cindy continues to exist only in the background...it's like the creators were forced to include a cute female character, but didn't have any way to utilize her (though listening to her reciting shapes based on boys from her school, which she does on the phone to a friend, is pretty funny).

With all this in mind, I'd have to say this is the best episode yet, and the perfect example of what this show could be when it was on its A-game. I honestly have paid no attention to who's directed what thus far (until right now, obviously), but of the five episodes I've watched, Joe (Gremlins) Dante has directed three of them, with two going to Pillsbury...and in a blind viewing, I've disliked two of Dante's, and loved both of Pillsbury's. Who would have expected that, coming from a man whose most notable works are Free Willy 3, and the classic Lifetime film Fifteen and Pregnant?

Hopefully it can build off of this and continue on its upward trajectory.

EPISODE RATING: 7.5/10

FULL EPISODE

Eerie, Indiana S1, E4: The Losers

Starring:
Omri Katz as Marshall Teller
Justin Shenkarow as Simon Holmes
Mary-Margaret Humes as Marilyn Teller
Francis Guinan as Edgar Teller
Julie Condra as Syndi Teller
Henry Gibson as Mr. Lodgepoole
Dick Miller as Al

Written by: Gary Markowitz, from a story by Markowitz and Michael R. Perry
Directed by: Joe Dante


My, what a difference a week can make! I watched this episode with my wife over a week ago, and was pretty disinterested in the story; it had a clever idea, as most of these do so far, but it wasn't particularly funny or engaging. Then, one thing lead to another in real life, and I never had time to write this review, setting me up for a re-watch that I was absolutely not looking forward to. While the bad news is that it's still not one of my favorite episodes, the good news is that it was more enjoyable than I remember it being just seven short days ago.

More weirdness abounds in Eerie, Indiana when Edgar Teller's briefcase suddenly vanishes into thin air...almost quite literally. Now if this were just an ordinary briefcase, that would be bad enough. But this briefcase has a petroleum-based banana flavoring that Edgar will be pitching to higher-ups at Things, Inc.; if they like what he's done, then it could be their next big project and lead Edgar to fame! If it's lost, on the other hand, then he will most certainly lose his job. Compounding the problem is the briefcase's history: it was an anniversary gift from Marilyn, so she feels like him losing it is a personal jab at her. Uh oh! Can Marshall and Simon get to the bottom of the mystery before the Teller family loses everything?

Well, of course they do! Marshall and Simon concoct a plan to lose something on purpose, just to see where it winds up. In this case, it's a large piece of luggage...that Marshall hides himself inside! Sure enough, he is whisked right off the street by Al, an older gentleman played by Dick Miller (one of those guys that you will look at and go, “Oh, I've seen him in something before!”), and then dropped into a hidden tube in a back alley moments before Simon can find him.

After a scary drop through a series of tubes with Argento-esque lighting, Teller ends up in a strange place run by a strange old man known as Mr. Lodgepoole. The large warehouse-style room is completely packed with random items; this is, as we learn, because Marshall has ended up in the “Bureau of Lost” the place where things go when you lose track of them. Well, to be fair, the reason people lose track of them here is because Al steals stuff right out from under people's noses.

Marshall wants to track down his father's briefcase to save his family, but Mr. Lodgepoole informs him that this is not a lost and found...in fact, he even has some troubles getting out the “f” word! It is instead a ploy to stimulate the economy. After all, as Mr. Lodgepoole testifies, if no one lost anything, then why would they have a reason to buy these things again? And if nobody's buying anything, then that sets us up for an economic crash of epic proportions (“You mean like the one when that actor guy was president?” Teller humorously asks).

Unlike most of the other episodes I've seen, this one has a nice little positive message thrown in there. After all the effort Marshall put into getting the briefcase back, it turns out that everything worked itself out: the banana goo that Edgar lost in his briefcase turns out to be part of a failed experiment, so there's no need for it (“It turns out people couldn't get the taste of diesel out of their mouths.”), while Marilyn forgives Edgar by buying him a brand new briefcase! There is no love lost and the episode ends on a happy note, with the family returning back to normal. Things don't go quite back to normal for Mr. Lodgepoole though...

The general pointlessness of this episode is its most endearing quality, but also its biggest flaw: It feels too pointless, especially for general audiences accustomed to the typical Saturday morning cartoons. The fact these items are just being taken (well, Lodgepoole takes offense at that term, deeming them “lost”) for no reason makes for some humorous moments, but it doesn't really lead to any kind of resolve, besides Lodgepoole's fate, and the simple message that love can fix anything, which could have been done in a much more straightforward manner (though, granted, it wouldn't have been an episode of “Eerie, Indiana”).

After the surprise strength of “ATM With a Heart of Gold”, this episode once again sets the series back a bit, though not nearly as far back as Dante did with his own “The Retainer”. Once again, it feels like a case of the show being weird for weirdness sake, rather than centering its weirdness around a common theme or clever idea.

EPISODE RATING: 5.5/10

FULL EPISODE

Bug (2006)

Director: William Friedkin
Writer: Tracy Letts, adapted from his own play.
Starring: Ashley Judd, Michael Shannon, Harry Connick Jr., and Lynn Collins

About a decade ago, I made the ill-fated decision to see William Friedkin's Bug in the theater, no doubt spurned on by the trailer painting it as a graphic piece of body horror. All I remember is my intense disappointment upon exiting the multiplex, and the feeling that I had been cheated out of my hard-earned money. And yet, over the intervening years, it still held some sort of sway over me, because as much as I didn't like it, I just couldn't completely forget it; ever since that fateful day it has  somehow intermittently crept into my mind, randomly, at various points throughout life. I didn't remember a lot of it, per se, but something about it was interesting enough that I just had to see it again.

Based on a play by Tracy Letts (who also adapted the screenplay), Bug is directly in contrast with 98% of the films released to multiplexes every year, in that it's the posterchild for minimalism: taking its cues from its theatrical origin, there are seven characters in the whole movie, and only two settings. This means most of its meager $4 million budget no doubt went toward salaries for its pretty big-name cast, and in this case, it's completely well deserved. But we'll get back to this a little bit later.

The plot also follows suit with everything else, by being as simple as possible: Ashley Judd is Agnes (or “Aggie” for short, a nickname that is somehow adorable), a woman who lives in a rundown motel in an unspecified state. She has been alone for some time, seeing that her ex, Jerry Goss (Harry Connick Jr.), has been away in prison for the last two years; he has just been released.

This causes her ample stress. She works at a local lesbian bar with R.C. (the beautiful Lynn Collins), and to give her a little bit of company, in the hopes that it might cut back on her stress levels, R.C. introduces Agnes to Peter (Michael Shannon), a man whom she had just met earlier in the night, but who she thinks would be a perfect match for Agnes. The three of them head back to Aggie's motel for some fun (in the form of drugs and alochol), but R.C. gets an urgent call and has to jet, conveniently leaving Agnes and Peter alone together. Nothing occurs between them that night, but Jerry comes to visit Agnes in the morning, when Peter is nowhere to be found. Jerry plans on picking up his relationship with Agnes right from where it left off, but she has other plans, and orders him to leave.

Their relationship did not go well, you see, with Jerry jealous that Agnes was smitten with Lloyd, a man that ran around the same bad circles as Agnes and her friends; she was secretly planning to run away with Lloyd. Whether or not Jerry knew these specific details, he could tell from the way they looked at each other that something was amiss, and ratted on Lloyd after he was busted, to prevent Aggie from getting together with him while he was behind bars. And so that is how she spends her meaningless existence, doing drugs from behind the doors of a sleazy motel and wondering what could have been.

Anyway, Peter was just grabbing some food, and soon after the two of them engage in some passionate lovemaking. Agnes believes she may have found a companion, someone who can help her move on from her abusive past, while Peter found the perfect subject for his anti-government ramblings. You see, he was a guinea pig for the U.S. Government, who implanted him with live bugs in one of many disturbing tests he was forced to participate in; he broke out and is now on the run from the very same officials who will keep their secret at any cost.

Or could it just be that he's mentally unstable and all of those things are only happening inside his head? To its discredit, the film makes no ambiguities out of its situation, and lets the viewer in on the answer from the very beginning, removing any reasons its audience would need to follow closely. It just travels from point A to its "logical" (for the circumstances) conclusion, though so little happens until the end that it feels twice as long as it actually is...I almost fell asleep the first time I watched it, and found myself threatening to doze off this time, even as I was acutely aware in advance of how slow the story was and what would happen.

In the end, this can be seen as a character study of loneliness, an example of how desperate minds are more susceptible to control than others. We see it everyday in stories of elderly people who fall for phone or internet scams (while some of these may be a case of senility, many of these victims also live alone, and are driven by their desire to connect with anyone that they can). Agnes is openly lonely, and is the perfect vessel for Peter to spread his crazy beliefs and theories; anyone else would have cast his ramblings aside as nonsense, but Aggie so desperately craves to be with someone that isn't Voss, that she is willing to go along with everything until she crosses the point of no return.

As the years go on, it can also be seen as an apt metaphor for spreading misinformation in a digital age: no matter what weird ideas and theories people put online, there will always be people so desperate to connect that they will believe anything. Especially on places like social media, where users can network with one another and are more apt to believe things that come from the “mouths” of their friends. As the lines between corporate “journalism” and alternative “journalism” continue to blur, both of which have their own set of principles and endgames (with “the truth” nowhere to be found in either of them), so too do the lines between “fact” and “fiction”. Will the U.S. be full of Peters in future generations, when corporate-owned media control 100% of the media, rather than the 90% it owns now? It's a rather disturbing thought, but the direction we're certainly headed, with money the sole driving force behind everything, and American civilians merely the collateral damage.

In form and substance, this movie is a bust for William Friedkin, but he proves himself an actor's director, by extracting genuinely brilliant performances from his actors. Just the fact they say some of their lines without cracking up is enough to earn everyone some kudos, but that this idea gains any leverage at all is a testament to Judd, Shannon (who, as I have just learned, reprises his role from the stage version), and Connick Jr., who approach the material with a steadfast seriousness and commitment that many others would have shrugged off. Seriously, watch Ashley Judd excitedly declare, “I am the Super Queen Mother Bug!”--one of the worst lines ever delivered in any movie--not once, but twice, and marvel at how Friedkin somehow managed to convince an A-list star to say it as convincingly as she possibly could. The other actors follow suit, giving it their all in every frame, and it is this, more than anything else, that keeps the film far more interesting—and for far longer—than it should be.

I can't recommend Bug to anyone, because its shortcomings far outweigh its positives. But part of me does admire it for its minimalist approach, and dedication to the material, no matter how ignorant or ill-conceived it is. And that has to be saying something. Right?

RATING: 5/10

TRAILER

Eerie, Indiana S1, E3: ATM With a Heart of Gold

Starring:
Omri Katz as Marshall Teller
Justin Shenkarow as Simon Holmes
Mary-Margaret Humes as Marilyn Teller
Francis Guinan as Edgar Teller
Julie Condra as Syndi Teller
Gabriel Damon as Nicholas
Scott Weinger as Eddie
Andrew White as Derek
Gregory Itzin as The Mayor
Archie Hahn as Mr. Radford
Harry Goaz as Sgt. Knight

Written by: Matt Dearborn
Directed by: Sam Pillsbury

I didn't know what to expect going into this one, and with its lighthearted title, I was not looking forward to it in the least. I mean, I gathered that an ATM was going to be generous with its money—that much is obvious from its name—but how could that be made eerie, funny, or even remotely interesting? And after the debacle that was “The Retainer”, I was preparing for what could have been an early downhill slide for the entire series. Instead, it was the biggest surprise of its only season thus far, and while that might not sound like a huge accomplishment given that we are only three episodes in, I honestly mean that in the sincerest way possible.

Once again this story centers around the Teller family: The father, Edgar, has created an automated ATM that aims to be the friendliest such machine ever invented. To hammer this home, he gives it a computer-generated face, and some AI, allowing the smiling machine to offer up conversations and friendly banter with its users. The town doesn't really seem to care, though, as only a handful of people show up to its unveiling in a scene that would be sad if it weren't so funny.

Marshall has been spending a lot of time with kids his own age, which has left Simon all alone with no friends. Naturally, he turns to the talking ATM for companionship. The friendly machine, named Mr. Wilson, strikes up a friendship with Simon, and frequently hands him loads of bills, even though he does not have a bank account. This proves bad for the residents of Eerie, whose town goes bankrupt thanks to Mr. Wilson. But Simon doesn't care, because he's the one benefiting from the disaster. And why should he? He has everything he could ever want, the attention of older girls, and kids that were making fun of him now all want to be his friend. Can Marshall convince him to return his money and save the town? Or will Simon's obsession with the money be his downfall?

This episode plays its ridiculous premise for laughs, and that is why it manages to succeed. The (intentionally) cheesy scenes of Simon moving up the popularity ladder, simply because he has a virtually limitless supply of cash, function as spoofs of high school dramas and are well-executed. Mr. Wilson, on the other hand, is perfectly creepy, his nerdish computer-generated face and soothing, yet somehow haunting, voice suiting him very well. The way he “skips” is also a nice touch, and a rather realistic testament to early '90s technology. In other words, the effects are excellent in this one, and a large reason why it works at all.

I think the biggest drawback for me—and it's a big one--is that this episode breaks character for Marshall, by having him pick a group of popular jocks over his own friend. I understand that it's required for the rest of this episode to work, but considering how inseparable he and Simon are for the rest of the series, it just feels tacky, and not at all true to the series. Even after Marshall admits that the excitement of hanging out with them has worn off, he continues to hang out with them, despite getting nothing out of doing so...which paints him three episodes in as rather selfish and one-sided, something that couldn't be farther from the truth as the series wears on.

Overall, this one is still way better than I was anticipating, but is a far cry from the best this series has to offer.

EPISODE RATING: 6.5/10

FULL EPISODE

Eerie, Indiana S1, E2: The Retainer

Starring:
Omri Katz as Marshall Teller
Justin Shenkarow as Simon Holmes
Patrick LaBrecque as Steve Konkalewski
Mary-Margaret Humes as Marilyn Teller
Francis Guinan as Edgar Teller
Julie Condra as Syndi Teller
Vincent Schiavelli as Dr. Eukanuba
Lou Cutell as Old Man Dithers

Written by: Jose Rivera and Karl Schaefer
Directed by: Joe Dante

The story structure for “Eerie, Indiana” takes an interesting twist in this second episode, which is a story relayed to us by lead character Marshall Teller. In the introduction, told in the present time, Marshall’s parents are confused when Marshall is terrified of getting a retainer. As we soon learn, it has nothing to do with the fear of pain, or the fear of being made fun of, but rather because of what happened to the last friend of his that got one…

That friend was Steve Konkalewski, whose teeth refuse to straighten after five years of visits to a mad dentist. The evil tooth-doctor makes for him a “special” retainer, one that gives him the “gift” of hearing what dogs are thinking. In a rather interesting twist, dogs only appear to be friendly on the outside, a front because they are eventually planning to take over the world, something Steve figures out thanks to his newfound ability.

Marshall and Simon, his closest friends, quickly put two-and-two together after a series of odd occurrences, and develop a hunch that he can read the mind of dogs. To test this, Marshall uses a rather absurd experiment: He places a paper bag over Simon's head, then flips a coin and shows it to a dog. Once Steve is able to accurately read the outcome of the coin flip—via the dog's eyes—they are convinced of his superpower. (Would a dog really have an understanding of “heads” and “tails”? Am I putting way too much thought into this?)

This is a minor breakthrough, but Marshall is more intelligent than most kid's show heroes: He understands the absurdity of the whole situation, and realizes that no one will believe them without proof. And so he creates a recording device so that he can capture the sounds that Steve picks up via his retainer (the scenes of them trying to move him around like an antenna to get better reception is pretty clever stuff, despite the obvious outdatedness of it all). Well he also inadvertently picks up some nearby chatter, which leads him to a dog pound known for a high rate of euthanasia. (This is a show for kids?)

Earlier in the episode, an evil kennel warden is attacked by a lone dog who doesn't take kindly to the way the man treats the mutts (he even threatens to “toss them into the chamber”, which looks eerily like a cremation chamber). When our heroes arrive to find the source of the chatter (which are chants of “Freedom!”, by the way), there is a lone bloody bone propping open the door...obviously the bone of the warden, who was picked clean by the dogs. This is a show for kids?

Anyway, the canines don't appreciate Steve being able to monitor their thoughts, so they demand he gives them his retainer. The only problem? It's stuck to his face and he can't get it off. The flashback ends with the dogs chasing him out into the streets, at which point they presumably attack him, kill him, and forcibly take the retainer for themselves. I arrived at this conclusion because we flash back to the present, where Marshall has his own retainer, and calmly explains to a familiar dog that his retainer doesn't allow him to hear the dog's thoughts...and the dog responds by coughing up Steve's old retainer, leading Marshall to contemplate the possible fate of his friend.

It's not a very good episode overall, mainly because it lacks the joyful absurdity of the premiere.  There are precious few laughs, and none of the off-the-wall fascination from the first one, making this one feel like a complete dud. Steve just isn't really all that fascinating of the character to center an entire story around, and the retainer idea—while it's clearly going for the offbeat—never gets its feet off the ground. On the flipside, I'd say that Marshall's blandness is already starting to grow on me...it's a welcome change from the over-the-top characters in most such shows.

Regardless, I'd file this one under “sophomore slump” for sure.

RATING: 4/10

FULL EPISODE